Friday, January 21, 2011

Hate Loss Update #3

The biggest difficulty I have been facing  is my inability to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Another issue I have is admitting that I have low self esteem. Just typing that makes me cringe. I am confused about how I feel about myself because I think I am pretty confident. I know that I am not ugly or anything. I have been told one too many times that I am beautiful. Yet, I hate looking in the mirror. 

I have concluded that my fear of the mirror goes beyond my physical appearance. When I look at myself I see years and years of pain that I have endured. I spent a long time feeling unwanted and unloved. I had to deal with suicidal thoughts and I had to deal with feeling worthless. All of which has nothing to do with the way I look. 

I became emotionally unattached at such a young age, and I felt as though I always had to be on guard. I couldn't allow myself to care about others because they would leave or hurt me. It was very hard for me to trust people. Then I met Sir and the first two years were hard and I had to overcome my trust issues but he stuck by me and now I am open to interacting with others. Although I have learned how to trust others, I am still having problems accepting myself, forgiving myself so that I am able to let go of the pain. This is a work in progress. My first step is just to admit that I have a problem. My last post for next week will probably be about what I am doing to be able to accept myself.  


  1. You've been really brave these last few weeks writing about such personal thoughts and experiences. A lot of respect goes to you on your journey not just to lose weight but to love yourself again.

    You've done amazingly well so far and I know you can get to where you want to be.

  2. I am actually surprising myself with this because i tend to be very private when it comes to my emotions... I guess I think no one reads it? I am happily in denial about that one.

  3. This was such a moving post, Shannie. I know that it isn't easy to come face to face with feelings like this, but it's the first step in putting it behind you. I know, because I'm doing it too. For too long I've chosen to ignore these types of problems because I could pretend they didn't exist and no one would know the difference. You are making progress with this and I'm proud of you for being brave enough to share it.

  4. Thank you Ellen! This is exactly how I felt for so long. I still have quite some way to go but I (we) will get there.