The biggest difficulty I have been facing is my inability to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Another issue I have is admitting that I have low self esteem. Just typing that makes me cringe. I am confused about how I feel about myself because I think I am pretty confident. I know that I am not ugly or anything. I have been told one too many times that I am beautiful. Yet, I hate looking in the mirror.
I have concluded that my fear of the mirror goes beyond my physical appearance. When I look at myself I see years and years of pain that I have endured. I spent a long time feeling unwanted and unloved. I had to deal with suicidal thoughts and I had to deal with feeling worthless. All of which has nothing to do with the way I look.
I became emotionally unattached at such a young age, and I felt as though I always had to be on guard. I couldn't allow myself to care about others because they would leave or hurt me. It was very hard for me to trust people. Then I met Sir and the first two years were hard and I had to overcome my trust issues but he stuck by me and now I am open to interacting with others. Although I have learned how to trust others, I am still having problems accepting myself, forgiving myself so that I am able to let go of the pain. This is a work in progress. My first step is just to admit that I have a problem. My last post for next week will probably be about what I am doing to be able to accept myself.