Friday, January 21, 2011

Hate Loss Update #3

The biggest difficulty I have been facing  is my inability to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. Another issue I have is admitting that I have low self esteem. Just typing that makes me cringe. I am confused about how I feel about myself because I think I am pretty confident. I know that I am not ugly or anything. I have been told one too many times that I am beautiful. Yet, I hate looking in the mirror. 

I have concluded that my fear of the mirror goes beyond my physical appearance. When I look at myself I see years and years of pain that I have endured. I spent a long time feeling unwanted and unloved. I had to deal with suicidal thoughts and I had to deal with feeling worthless. All of which has nothing to do with the way I look. 

I became emotionally unattached at such a young age, and I felt as though I always had to be on guard. I couldn't allow myself to care about others because they would leave or hurt me. It was very hard for me to trust people. Then I met Sir and the first two years were hard and I had to overcome my trust issues but he stuck by me and now I am open to interacting with others. Although I have learned how to trust others, I am still having problems accepting myself, forgiving myself so that I am able to let go of the pain. This is a work in progress. My first step is just to admit that I have a problem. My last post for next week will probably be about what I am doing to be able to accept myself.  

4 comments:

  1. You've been really brave these last few weeks writing about such personal thoughts and experiences. A lot of respect goes to you on your journey not just to lose weight but to love yourself again.

    You've done amazingly well so far and I know you can get to where you want to be.

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  2. I am actually surprising myself with this because i tend to be very private when it comes to my emotions... I guess I think no one reads it? I am happily in denial about that one.

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  3. This was such a moving post, Shannie. I know that it isn't easy to come face to face with feelings like this, but it's the first step in putting it behind you. I know, because I'm doing it too. For too long I've chosen to ignore these types of problems because I could pretend they didn't exist and no one would know the difference. You are making progress with this and I'm proud of you for being brave enough to share it.

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  4. Thank you Ellen! This is exactly how I felt for so long. I still have quite some way to go but I (we) will get there.

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